The Reason for Disgust

Written on 19th Oct, 2009, Personal Diary

Sadaf Fayyaz

After I joined my high school classes, I went busy with my bundle of studies. I initially got very busy in my work and studies, and wanted to score good marks in the final boards. I along with some other friends, used to go to the college for a combined study work. My initial aim was to get my concepts clearer and help some friends of mine, as I happen to grasp better concepts after teaching some people. Here is a crush of a stupid boy of my class that really provoked me a lot. Though, I never understood him. My friends often used to make meaningful remarks, which I usually ignored. They were useless and meaningless for me; as such college crushes are really unwise.

We moved to Islamabad after my college permanently since my father was given a more responsible and serious assignment with DG ISI. After 10 years, I thought of adding my old college friends to my network. I added some of them whom I remember; else I have forgotten most of them. Similarly he was the one to be added as well. Things usually get crystal clear when you have a closer contact with someone. I just noticed one thing: those I had hated during college days were nice people, and those I thought to be nice-natured, were really strange. I have a great passion for dances (belly and Spanish) and always loved them. I was really shocked to hear a very sick remark on my choice, “You love belly dance, do you wear the same dress as well”, “That’s something very sick of him, and he is making fun of my aesthetic sense”. I thought.

The second comment was again on profile; I have always been a crazy fan of Hasan siblings and love their song “Tere Qadmon Ko”. He commented, “You love this song because you want your feet to be kissed by someone?” Just see the mental level of the person.

A third point came when I wrote that I was known as a vampire among my friends. That was a simple joke and the remark holds true for my intellectual looks i.e. (uncombed hair, loose clothes and long nose). But again the guy commented, “A vampire sucks blood from neck, you do the same?” From every positive and aesthetic thing, he was extracting something obscene and vulgar out of it. I didn’t like his style of talking, but was traumatized to explore this kind of behavior.

I am a serious person and usually don’t make friends very easily. Before confirming a request on any network, I message the person whether he knows me or I know him. I used to talk to only a few of the guys during my college days, since most of them couldn’t understand what I was talking about. He finally objected to my talks and conversation with those guys. “You always talked to them, and never talked to me”. He snored. “I am talking to you now and let us check your ill chatters and vulgar remarks”. I thought. I even never liked the ill kind of addressing that he used with me, with terms like, “babe”, ”dear”, “bad girl” etc. I am usually known as “Sadaf” or Aapa among my friends and cousins.

He hit the nail on the coffin when one day he started irritating me. He started convincing me that he was a very nice guy and the guys with whom I had friendship in college days were really dreadful, as they kept making fun of me all the time. “I don’t mind if people make fun of me, in a positive manner”, I replied. I developed a very nasty impression about him, that he had the wrong tendency to leak out everything that his friends did or spoke. Boys usually do it when they sit together and chat. But he shouldn’t have disclosed his friends’ remarks or comments to me. “If he can do this to his friends, he can do the same with me too”, I thought.

Besides achieving nothing in the last 10 years, he kept making remarks on my status. “You are not married, marry any ugly low IQ or short man, but get married.” My prompt reply was, “You could have developed a crush for some stupid, ugly low IQ girl of the class, why did you develop it for me?” he replied, “Because I found you intelligent and a bit good-looking”, “The same rule applies for me as well, how can I marry a short and low IQ person?” he didn’t have any answer. I think rules should non-discriminatory.

One day on a chat session, an old and a very close friend of him pointed very sarcastically at me, “Sadaf, this is for people who understand the cycle of life, not for you.” I really exploded on it. “What is he trying to say, it’s a point on me”. I deleted him finally after getting very very much annoyed. I remember our last conversation, “You will never get anything in life”, he replied. “I will and you will see what I can do”. I requested him in the end not to contact me again and keep any kind of contact with me again. So but still I am unable to know the reason of my hatred that I have developed for him now. ..........Sadaf Fayyaz