Why This Difference?

Written on 19th Oct, 2009 Personal Diary

By

Sadaf Fayyaz

Yesterday I and mom had a discussion on failure of arranged marriages. I was telling her story of a banker friend of mine who had applied for "khulla" from her womanizer husband at a local court. She sighed and told me the about the pros and cons of arranged marriages, and mother's role in making it a complete failure. We discussed it in deep detail and she mentioned a cousin of her, whose son has been into serious relationships twice, and just because of his mother's haste and greed, he had to break off.

Mom told me that Aunt used to call her for hours and used to discuss about the kind of "bahu" she wanted for her son. "I want a very beautiful, rich and nice-natured girl for my son", she told mom. I remember even my internship days in 2003. I was tired and came back late from my first internship, when mom suddenly told me about aunt that she had come for a "bahu" hunt to Islamabad. "Hey, I want Sadaf and you to come to the house and interview the girl, I think she is a good match for my son". I felt quite bad and odd on questioning that girl of my age, but aunt insisted a lot. I had to interview her formally about her education and interests. Later I came to know that Aunt rejected her.

She kept doing this hunting process and having tea times at different homes in Peshawar. In the early weeks of 2006, she called up mom and told her that she had found a nice girl for her son. The engagement continued for only 6 months. When we asked aunt, she replied,"They were asking for my second son for their second daughter, which I did not want, so broke the engagement". This was only one side of the story, the girl's mother was a Shaheed's wife and she called my mother for about 3 hours and informed her about all the details. "Your cousin was becoming a headache for my daughter. She would tell him all the time that she was ugly, short and dark, even though she selected her for her son. She was demanding high dowry and money as well. I am a widow, my daughters are everything for me and my son is mentally retarded. She made us very insecure and finally broke the relationship".

Anyhow, after some months she initiated the Hunting process again, and found another family for her son. This time "Nikah" was performed and "Rukhsati" was awaited. After only two months, she started ringing up my mom and started speaking ill about the girl. My mom used to at times hang up her calls or did not attend her calls. This time she was like that she would demand very expensive furniture from girl's family. They were a bit poor and couldn’t afford to pay a heavy dowry. In the meantime, aunt’s daughter was also engaged. Whenever we paid them a visit, we found her talking to her fiancé on her cell. My aunt had a lot of objection on her son talking over phone to his wife, but she never objected her daughter’s act, though she was only engaged. Things kept worsening one day we came to know of uncle’s heart attack. We rushed to the Lady Reading Hospital Peshawar and weren’t expecting it at all. We found that aunt had been torturing her husband and forcing her son to divorce the girl, without any reason. Uncle and my cousin didn’t want to break off this relationship. She kept forcing him and that caused him a mild heart attack. We came back and after 3 days, got his demise news. My cousin had too much pressure from aunt and decided to divorce the girl, which his father took to his heart.

Even after his death, people ask my mom that your daughter (me) is 30, why don’t you sisters get your children married? I think after reading the story, everyone must have got a fair idea about my aunt’s cruel and greedy nature, that even took the life of her husband. My cousin has become a psycho now, and hates marriage. He is obedient to his mom but has started hating her now. My point in the story is that the same lady shows a different kind of attitude when it comes to her daughter and his fiancé. We never heard about even a single clash or problem arising from her daughter and her fiancé. But the same woman shows a different kind of attitude when it comes to her son and his fiancée. She acts wisely and allows her daughter to talk to her fiancé all the time on the phone, but has restrictions on her son. She used to listen to her son’s conversation with his fiancé on phone, but never did the same with her daughter. They are allowed to talk and meet openly before everyone. What does this finally depict? Finally they applied for divorce at a court and my cousin is a divorcee now. My aunt has again started looking girls for him.